Marriage is not for the Weak – Not Another Zombie Survival Kit


And you, do you promise to eat everyone?

And you, do you promise to eat everyone?

To quote “Sir”

“Marriage is no way of life for the weak, the selfish, or the insecure.”

Once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl who loved each other very much. After several years of dating, they were married.  Over time, as will happen with married people, they grew much closer to one another.  Now, growing close is a good thing.  When done right it can even approach a feeling of sanctity; all is right with the world.  On the flip side, growing closer to one another exposes weak spots, the fontanelles of the heart. 

As with the fontanelle of a baby, the heart fontanelle is our most vulnerable point and should be protected by our loved ones, never exposed or prodded.  The young boy and girl did not learn this from anyone, they had to find out the hard way.  Over the years, the couple undertook many adventures together.  Along the way, they learned they had differences; differences of opinion, differences in expression, different ways of thinking.  Essentially they were just experiencing what it is to know another person on a deep, almost spiritual level.  But they didn’t know that and they were naive.  One, (or both), of them began to think that the other no longer cared for the other.  They learned to fight.

In every fight, there is one who is better, stronger, better at exposing and taking advantage of the other’s weaknesses.  The boy and girl were no different – one was better at fighting.  With the heart’s fontanelle exposed, the other pierced and stabbed repeatedly.  But the stabee didn’t die, it learned to fight back; the stabee learned how to expose and stab too.  Before long, both the boy and the girl were stabbing each other on almost a nightly basis, slowly pecking away at each others’ rib cages until finally both their hearts died.

You see, when the hearts die, the rest of the body keeps living, but without the heart we lose our feelings.  Essentially we become zombies, thirsty for meat and blood.  Zombies don’t give a shit about you or your feelings.  In fact, they care less even for the feelings of other zombies.  If the zombies are married to each other, forced to look at each other, to talk to each other, even to have sex with each other, soon the violence erupts.  Things are broken – dishes, walls…..feelings.

HERE's your DINNER, ASSHOLE!

HERE’s your DINNER, ASSHOLE!

As the years drifted on, the zombie fights got worse and worse, their hearts blacker and blacker, losing more and more blood until finally they were both depleted.  Fully depleted of the precious blood, the boy zombie struck out to live on his own, finding a cheap apartment available for monthly rental and hoping, above all else, that a cure for zombie’ism would soon be found.

After many breakfasts at the local Waffle House and many nights of watching the local cable access channels, the zombies decided to go eat, (oops, I mean speak to), a counselor, one who was skilled in zombie resuscitation.  The zombies got a chance to moan, groan and grunt their dissatisfaction with each other.  Sometime during their third or fourth session, something amazing happened – their hearts began to heal.  They found that the more they grunted and moaned with each other, the more they began to recall what it was in the first place that brought them together – love.

Through counseling, the boy and girl learned that they were more alike than different.  They had thought that their differences were what drove them to become zombies when in fact, it was their similarities.  It works like magnets; polar opposites will attract while those of the same pole will force each other away.  Slowly, over time, the zombies once again became boy and girl.  They learned to trust one another.  Better yet, they not only learned to love again, but their love for one another grew much deeper.

One in every two marriages of humans end up in divorce.  If you have to get a divorce, it’s best to do it while you’re still human.  The statistics get even worse for zombies.  Four out of five zombie marriages end up in divorce carnage, hearts eaten, digested and possibly regurgitated and eaten again later.

We were lucky….that is to say…the boy and girl were lucky.  They beat the odds and as they say in the fairy tales – they lived happily ever after!

Dedicated to my son and daughter-in-law who are having marital difficulties

Advertisements

2 comments on “Marriage is not for the Weak – Not Another Zombie Survival Kit

  1. rintouldj says:

    Reblogged this on purplewatchproject and commented:
    I believed you until the counsellor bit. As for the quote at the beginning… so… everyone should avoid marriage. Got ya.

    • rlwyattcali says:

      I don’t ask that you believe. Everything written in here by me is truth, my life story, nothing’s fiction. I have too much weird truth to bother with fiction. Thanks for taking the time to comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s