The Flying Beer-Guzzling Roller Derby Girls of Easter Weekend in Phoenix


What would Easter be like without Roller Derby?

As I am writing this, Easter is quickly approaching so I am reminded of a very memorable Easter weekend.  What do golf scrambles, roller derby, the Easter Bunny and bloody noses all have in common?  If you said, “nothing”, well then you aren’t alone.  Everyone who just read that responded just as you did.  And just like you, they are wrong. You just can’t make this stuff up. 

 

This past weekend I golfed in a fund-raising event with my wife, my oldest son and the plant manager at my son’s place of employment.  The event was sponsored by a young lady trying to raise money so that she can begin funding her efforts at turning professional in the LPGA.  The pros at the top of the heap earn a good living golfing in tournaments, (as well as receiving money and products from corporate sponsors).  Most however, spend lots of time and their own money just funding their dreams.  Eventually, they either make it big or leave their dreams behind and move onto ‘the real world’.

The way in which we found out about this event was through a golfer at my son’s place of employment.  It’s a bit of a family affair as two of my boys work for this company.  My wife, (the golfer nurse), has a contract nursing position with them as well.  Given the fun and excitement we all enjoyed together at the last fund raising golfing event we were invited to by this same person, we quickly accepted the invitation.  What’s that, you say?  What was so fun and exciting about the previous golf outing?

I’m glad you asked!

The year was 2013 (or 2014).  Our son Corey had been transferred by his employer and we had purchased the house he had been living in.  We had not yet moved to AZ so at the time, we were using the house for mini vacations.  On one of these Spring break vacations around Easter, we were asked if we wanted to golf in a charity scramble.  We thought it would be fun if Timmy could join us as then we could have four family members for the scramble outing.  Naturally he didn’t want to spend a whole week with his parents but he agreed to fly down and grace us with his presence for a few days.

The proceeds from this event were to go to a roller derby team.  I think one of the girls was related to the guy who asked us to play in the tournament.  If you’re not familiar with the format for a scramble tournament, the teams almost always tee off together at different holes.  It’s called a shotgun start – got its name from the fact that they used to actually shoot off a shotgun to begin the tournament.  The outing was well coordinated; there was breakfast and a lunch scheduled afterwards.  Most of the girls from the team were there and they were wearing their outfits.  Being the Easter weekend, they even had a large Easter bunny for team picture taking.

        Such a happy occasion

After a quick bite to eat and a team pic with the Easter Bunny and derby girls, we all headed out to our assigned holes for the synchronized tee-off.  The girls had hidden various sized plastic eggs all around the course.  Inside each of the eggs was a prize; maybe a free raffle or drink ticket.  Inside one large egg we found, there was even a beer.  Easter egg hunting had never been better.  Umm….about the beer – there was lots and lots of beer floating around and it was beginning to feel like the derby girls were leading the charge.

The derby girls were having fun ‘monitoring’ the field, driving all over the golf course, interacting with the golfers and offering everyone more and more beers.  Not wanting to feel left out, the derby girls naturally joined in on the beer drinking fun; solidarity is important.  It began to feel like we were being greeted by a cart filled with derby beer girls on almost every other hole.  The weather was beautiful and everyone was laughing, enjoying the event and each other.  That was, until a certain par 5 hole.

We had all hit our drives. Kim and my golf shots are pretty predictable – Kim will be long and in the middle and I will be trying to keep up with her, (always falling short).  As for my two boys golfing that day, the only thing predictable about their shots was that they would be long distances…whether or not they would be on the course, well that is another matter.

We had chosen the shot we were going to hit from and were getting ready for one of us to hit.  That’s when we stopped short due to the jubilant hooping and hollering from the golf cart filled with inebriated derby girls coming up the cart path behind us.  The driver was having fun swerving left and right, driving as fast as the cart would allow.  The other girls were all like ‘whee, yahoo, give me another beer’.

That was….until…well…have you ever watched a YouTube video of an ATV or someone driving a top heavy vehicle that makes a left, right, left a bit too quickly?  You know what happens, right – it topples over.  Well it takes a golf cart quite a bit to topple over.  That’s because it has a very heavy bottom.  It’s designed to withstand most incidents from wild teenagers who think it’s fun to go drifting.  If one of those left-rights though happens to be on the side of a small hill?  Well then, you just might have success.  The beer-drinking derby girls obviously had figured it out!

Can you say ‘wipe out’?  Derby girls went flying all over the place!

It was immediately apparent that a bit of medical attention was being ordered.  My wife, always on alert, sprang into action.  All that was missing was a cape!

            Hang on, I’m Coming!

I don’t remember how many were injured but I do recall there was at least 3 of them.  One had a lot of scrapes on her arms and legs.  Another had a pretty deep gash on her chin.  My wife had pulled out her golf towel and told her to apply pressure, that she was going to have to get a few stitches.  And then there was the ‘tough guy’.  You’ve seen him; he’s the guy who’s hurt the worst but acts like nothing at all is wrong.  That was derby girl #3.  She was bleeding pretty well from the nose and it looked for certain that it was broken.  Each time Kim advised her that she’d need to go to the ER, (emergency room), she’d keep saying she “was fine”.  Kim and I both kept telling her that she wasn’t fine.  On at least two occasions Kim said “no, I’m a nurse and you are NOT fine!”

As with most alcohol related driving incidents you hear about on the news, naturally the drunken driver derby girl was the only one not injured.  After the triage, we all helped the girls back into the cart and gave the driver instructions to drive back to the clubhouse SLOWLY and CAREFULLY and to make sure the victims get taken to the ER by someone who had not been drinking.

Wow!  That was almost surreal.  I mean, where else but in a dream do you see a cartload of girls dressed in roller derby outfits driving a golf cart, only to then see them all flying all over the place?  (And I deny that I’ve ever had this dream…I swear – I’ve never had this dream….stop accusing me, I’ve never had this dream).  After we knew the girls were ok, then it was ok for our boys to laugh and make light of the situation.  It was, after all, a bit cartoonish in a Keystone Cops sort of way.

 

There’s usually a point in the round where we realize we’re not going to be the big winners and I’ll usually pose the question – so I wonder what’s for lunch?  🙂  We all eventually got through the round and made our way to the lunch reception area.  We had a good lunch and were then hopeful about the possibility of winning one of the raffle prizes.  Lots and lots of prizes were being handed out….to others.  That was, until the final raffle which was for a brand new black and white Callaway golf bag.  Sometimes I get lucky!  (Oh, and I swear that the pink push cart is not mine)

    Raffle Winnings

The recent golf fund raising scramble is not deserving of its own story, no wild crashes this day.  It was a nice day and we didn’t finish in last place – we were in the middle, respectable.  And I’m happy to report that, (to my knowledge), no one ended up with a broken nose or bloody chin.

Even though I’m not a golf nut, (unlike my wife), the best I’ve ever been is a 12, (that’s like an 84 for all you dog owners).  I do highly recommend the sport as a way to spend time with your spouse or kids as it’s a sport that can potentially be played very late in life, (sometimes pretty badly, but you can still play).  That’s really the beauty of any activity, isn’t it; spending quality time with those you love or enjoy being with?

I don’t recall where we placed in the Easter bunny roller derby golf tournament.  Without asking my wife, (the Rainman of golf courses), I couldn’t even tell you which course we played at.

One thing I won’t forget though – I’ll never forget

The Flying Beer Guzzling Roller Derby Girls of Easter Weekend in Phoenix!

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